In my previous post, “Can Science Predict a Happy Marriage,” I mentioned the term “self-expansion, ” a concept related to relationships.

I came across the idea of self-expansion again in the book Curious? by psychologist Todd Kashdan, who, within the book, explores the curiosity trait and how being curious can positively affect our lives. Kashdan discusses self-expansion within the chapter on relationships. When we are in a close relationship—not just romantic, but even ones involving  same-sex friends—we expand our sense of self as we share knowledge and experiences with the other person, and they do the same with us. As Kasdan writes, “When we are in a largely expansive relationship, besides feeling closer to our partner, we actually become linked to them…Our partner’s world is woven into our own like a beautiful tapestry.”

Boredom in a relationship can occur when we feel that we have reached the saturation point of self-expansion. We feel that we have learned and acquired all that we can from our partner, and we begin to assume that we can predict exactly how our partner will think or behave in any given situation. This is what often happens when married couples no longer find each other exciting, or when friends begin to drift apart. This waning of self-expansion opportunities may explain the marital seven-year itch, which could actually be closer to two or three years.

To ameliorate boredom, we should aim to have interesting and novel experiences with our friends and partners. This can lead to greater satisfaction with the relationship. These experiences and activities can be anything that is new and interesting, like taking a trip to a new location or enrolling in a class together. The novelty of an experience can positively influence the way we view the relationship. As Kasdan writes, “The highly desirable state of expanding and being fully alive is kindled afresh and becomes linked to our partner and the relationship.” Approaching relationships with what the author calls the “beginner’s mind” can stave off boredom and stasis in a relationship—sound advice for anyone feeling the seven-year itch.